Why do I shut down during intimacy even when I want to be close?

Question

Deeper Global · Accepted Answer

Shutting down during intimate moments is a common protective response that can happen even when you consciously want closeness. This disconnection often occurs when your nervous system perceives intimacy as threatening, usually based on past experiences of hurt, trauma, or emotional overwhelm. Your body might go into a freeze response where you feel disconnected, numb, or like you're watching from outside yourself. This can happen due to sexual trauma, but it can also stem from emotional trauma, attachment wounds, or even cultural messages that taught you intimacy was dangerous or shameful. Sometimes the vulnerability required for true intimacy triggers old fears about being hurt, rejected, or abandoned. The shutdown might also be your mind's way of protecting you from feeling too much - if emotions feel overwhelming or uncontrollable, disconnection can feel safer. Physical factors like anxiety, depression, or certain medications can also contribute to this response. Healing from intimacy shutdown usually involves understanding what triggers the response and developing tools to stay present in your body during vulnerable moments. This might include grounding techniques, breathing exercises, communication with your partner about what you need, and often professional therapy to address underlying trauma or anxiety. The key is being patient and compassionate with yourself while working to understand and heal these protective patterns.